Welcome to my Practise Journal
... This is a mini-blog on my journey with piano & creativity. I have kept journal entries since I was 13, and it's always been a private affair. I wish to embolden myself to continue my writing practise, but now in a space where it can be read. So here is a little insight into my world as a Meanjin-based performer, actor and piano teacher.
Enjoy x
25th September 2024
"I HAVE TIME," is a valuable phrase an acting coach once taught me.
During one of my earlier self-tapes auditions, this coach prescribed a simple mantra to ease the agitation in my body.
"I have time, say it out loud," he gestured with his hands for me to breathe.
That moment helped me pinpoint a core anxiety - the underlying narrative that I was running out of time. I was 19 and part of me believed, "It's too late for me to make it as an actor." That pressure carried into my performance. I limited my own dreams.
Feeling like we are not enough or doing enough, is a symptom of a world that constantly moves towards advancement. It's a kind of progress that depletes the very natural resources of our planet, and drains the human spirit. We're all doing our best in a system that doesn't work for flesh and soul.
I was had a conversation with a close friend the other week, about imposter syndrome. "I sometimes feel like I'm not qualified enough to teach piano because I don't have a piece of paper and a B.Mus(Hons), A.Mus.A, L.Mus.A, Cert.Pedagogy etc. behind my name." And yet, I receive emails from pianists with far more impressive qualifications than mine, asking me if I'd like to consider their CVs... (Jazz's Piano Studio is just me, and I don't have the desire to expand it ahahaha.)
I've sat at the piano stool since I was 4 years old, every single day for several hours until I finished my Grade 8 AMEB exams. Christmas was the one day in the year I was allowed to take a day off. I practised and performed. Then I stopped. Because, well, Asian-Tiger-Mum-Play-Piano-or I'll-Chop-off-your-Fingers is slightly traumatic.
It's hilariously full-circle in hindsight: piano teaching has been paying my way, little by little, supporting my acting ambitions since 2019. Only recently has my Dear-Mumsy gained an inkling why I do what I do. (I think... she looked pretty damn happy at Scenes From a Yellow Peril at QLD Theatre this August). The money is lacking, but my heart is full.
She still worries, the way Asian immigrant parents do. She grew up in a world where, if you don't stand out, if you don't win awards, you could go hungry, be ostracised and forgotten in a sea of millions.
I sometimes think we strive to progress because we're scared to die. That if we don't, we'll leave nothing meaningful behind.
I taught my first lesson yesterday in my new studio in Taringa. My older student was rushing her scales. The same way I rush, and drop off at the end of a thought when learning lines - frustrated, wanting to be better, to get there quicker.
...To get where?
Piano was always the place where my racing mind could slow down, and feel. Whatever anger, pain, energy I was feeling in the moment could be channelled into the keys.
That's all music needs to be anyways.
That and a sprinkle of discipline, ahahaha.
So yes, maybe to the doubt in my mind and the critical voice in others', I'm not as qualified as some to do what I do. But I am doing it. I recognise my limits - I once had a student come for a trial, where I cut the lesson short. I recommended her to find a more advanced teacher to suit her level. I've balanced humbling experiences with trust, in the hard-earned knowledge that I do have to share. Plus I don't know what’s more piano-teacher-esque than dreaming about purchasing metronomes. And the recurring wrist pain is telling.
When my mind gets too loud, and I'm swept up by the need to succeed in this life, I gently remind myself "I have time" and I breathe. I'm getting better at believing in myself, and it shows in my work.
At some point, we have to start owning our shit, don't we?
Jazz x
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